There is a difference between craving more because what you have is never enough and longing to live in alignment with the person God has been forming within you.
It has been quite a journey, and along the way, many questions have surfaced. Unfortunately, for most of my life, I haven’t felt free to ask those questions, but I am learning that God’s answers need to begin with honest questions.
It has helped me to wrestle with questions rather than assume that the question is really what is weighing on my heart. For instance, this morning, I was concerned that my feelings led me to believe God was not enough. After all, if He were, why did I still want more?
When you take the time to ask questions of your heart and determine what your feelings are revealing about core needs, truth has a way of wiggling to the surface.
My deeper question was not, “Is God enough?”
But,
“God, will you ever let me live the life You’ve awakened in me?”
That question struck a deeper chord, and I knew I needed to chase it to the end.
A Double Rainbow
The other evening, a double rainbow stretched across the sky over our home.
It lingered there for nearly twenty minutes.
One by one, my family discovered it. Caleb saw it on his walk and sent a picture to Ashley. Shanna spotted it on her drive home and pulled over to capture it. Troy turned onto our road, stopped his car, and took a picture. I called everyone else out onto the back deck, and together we stood looking at the sky.
We all knew what it represented.
A covenant.
A promise.
A reminder of God’s faithfulness.
And for a moment, we all stood in wonder.
Then everyone went back inside.
And I got angry.
Not because I doubted that God had painted the sky.
Not because I no longer believed He was faithful.
But because, if I’m honest, it felt like another dangling carrot.
“Keep believing.”
“Hold on a little longer.”
“The promise is still coming.”
After seventeen years of waiting, my soul whispered, “For how long?”
I don’t know if my body can survive another decade of surviving.
There are practical needs that don’t disappear because we choose hope.
Blood work that needs to be done.
Supplements that are necessary.
Dentist appointments our children need.
Bills that don’t stop arriving.
The stress of living in uncertainty year after year leaves its mark on a body.
I didn’t talk to God for two days.
Not because I had stopped believing in Him.
I simply didn’t know what to say.
I’m Not Angry at a Rainbow
As I sat with all of this, I realized something.
I’m not angry at a rainbow.
I’m weary of waiting.
There’s a difference.
Sometimes we confuse weariness with unbelief.
We assume that if our hearts ache or our prayers become quiet, we’ve somehow failed spiritually.
But Scripture is filled with people who cried out, “How long, O Lord?”
They weren’t rejecting God.
They were bringing Him the truth about their exhaustion.
Drawn to Beauty
Lately, I’ve noticed something else stirring inside me.
I find myself drawn to beauty in ways I never have before.
The other day I came home with a simple vase, a linen scarf, and a serving platter.
Nothing extravagant.
Just beautiful.
As I unpacked them, I realized my tastes are changing.
They’re maturing.
Not because I want more things.
Because I am becoming someone new.
There is a part of me that has outgrown survival.
A part that longs to create beauty, gather people around a table, decorate rooms filled with warmth and welcome, cultivate gardens, and build a place where weary souls can finally exhale.
I have called that dream Bramhaven.
It isn’t just a place.
It’s the outward expression of an inward world that has been quietly growing for years.
And sometimes that inner world has grown so much that it feels cramped inside my current circumstances.
Maybe you’ve felt that too.
Like there is a version of you that has awakened, but your life hasn’t caught up yet.
Longing to Live in Alignment
For a long time, I thought this longing meant I wasn’t content.
Now I wonder if it simply means God has been enlarging my heart.
There is a difference between craving more because what you have is never enough…
…and longing to live in alignment with the person God has been forming within you.
Survival asks, “What do I need to get through today?”
Beauty asks, “What kind of world am I becoming?”
I don’t think those purchases were about shopping.
I think they were quiet reminders that the part of me that delights in beauty has survived.
And that matters.
Congruence
I’ve also realized that my deepest longing isn’t just for financial provision.
It’s for congruence.
For my outer life to begin reflecting the inner life God has been cultivating all these years.
To stop simply carrying life…
…and begin creating it.
To stop merely enduring…
…and begin welcoming.
To stop surviving…
…and begin living.
Lord…I’m Tired
As I prayed through all of this, one thought gently settled over my heart.
Perhaps the rainbow wasn’t saying,
“Keep chasing the promise.”
Perhaps it was whispering,
“I haven’t stopped chasing you.”
Those are two very different messages.
I’ll admit that my weary heart still struggles to hear the second one.
But maybe that’s where faith begins again.
Not by pretending we aren’t tired.
Not by forcing ourselves to feel hopeful.
But by bringing our honest exhaustion into the presence of the One who already knows.
Because weariness is not the same as unbelief.
And an honest heart is not a hardened heart.
Sometimes the most faithful prayer we can pray isn’t polished or profound.
It’s simply,
“Lord…I’m tired.”
And perhaps that is enough for Him to begin meeting us there.
In everything you do -eat, play, and love- may it always be Seasoned with Joy!
Let’s Continue to Go Deeper…
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