Sometimes as women we hide in responsibility, not realizing we are running from fear. You were made for the adventure. Learn to listen to that inner voice and respond, knowing that the excuses you hear are only keeping you from bliss.
The sun had finally made its spring entrance and the gloom of overcast days were a forgotten memory. Months of pent-up energy had to find its way into a 2-hour window of time in the garden. It was just one of those days when the sounds became clear and the sensations on the skin became more noticeable. Even the spring odors seemed more fragrant. I hadn’t smelled spring before with such emphasis. Fall, yes, it has its distinct aromas but maybe I have always been too busy for Spring. Has it always been so fresh and new? Honeysuckle, wisteria, and fresh cut grass wafted on the breeze. Spring is sweet and new.
I could feel my sun warmed skin beginning to tighten and sting. The kids had all wandered inside and Troy and I were alone cleaning up the tools and straightening the yard. The pool called to me. I scooped a handful of water and poured it over my feet to rinse off. We had just filled the little 8ft x3ft kiddie pool and that sparkling blue water looked so refreshing. The water was cold and had a happy bitter bite. I love cold water. I have never understood people who wanted to heat their pools to bath water temp to swim. When I am hot I want to be refreshed and cooled down. This water was Lake Tahoe cold. The blue dancing waters seemed to speak memories to my mind calling out the once playful child who didn’t think so much.
“I guess I could just stand in the pool,” I thought. I hiked up my gardening shorts and stood in the water. The bottom cushioned my toes. I stood there thinking how wonderful it was to have a pool in my side yard for the kids to play in all summer long. But another thought bullied its way to the surface.
“Just fall in.”
Immediately my adult mom brain began to correct that wandering child voice who needed to learn to keep her wayward feet on the ground.
“You are in your work clothes. The water is cold. You have a million things to do. You need to wear a swimsuit.”
“But that takes too long,” the lazy child argued, “and the moment will be gone. Fall in. It is what you really want to do. So, do it. Excuses are just lies you tell yourself that keep you from what you really want. Do what you really want. Let me out. It’s me, the girl who always took the dare. The girl who embraced the challenge. The one who thought, ‘You say I can’t? Well watch me.’ Where is she? Where is the girl who bathed in the ice melt stream on camping trips with a bar a soap and nothing but her wits? The water is fine once your body is numb. Where is the girl who tackled the moguls and ran into trees skiing and accidently found her way down the black diamond side of the mountain, but oh well, knew there was only one way to get down and that was down? Where is the girl who drove through the drive thru backwards just because it would make a memory, not just for her but for her cousin? It would be one of those formative memories that bond two together, forever. Not to mention it would be a good laugh. Consequences what are those? That’s where she went. She was captured by the enlightened consequences fairy. You know the one who knows the possibilities of all that could happen? Is that some kind of badge you get as moms like a merit you earn in Royal Rangers? Why are moms’ experts at what could happen? No wonder you lost yourself. You stopped taking the adventures and chancing the outcomes to delight. “
With that, I fell forward and just let the freezing water envelop me as I let out a happy shrill of cold. “It’s freezing!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. But I laid there in the water completely aware of myself and the girl that had emerged.
“Here I am. I have been locked inside waiting to be freed. Freed to dream. Freed to take risks and join life’s advancing adventure call. I don’t want to be stuck behind a sink of dirty dishes or piles of laundry all of the time. I want my voice to be heard. I want to have a voice again. I want to sing and laugh and scream with delight. I want to lead you into who you really are the one you have buried under all those supposed-tos. I have been suffocating. Thank you for letting me out. Now I can speak and feel and listen and tell you what I see and feel and hear. Smell the sunscreen and chlorine? Doesn’t it take you back to hot summer days by Mema and Papa’s pool; sliding down the slide, swimming under water with opened eyes and only the muffled sounds of happy voices? You felt alive under the water. Remember how you just wanted to strip off all your clothes and swim uninhibited without boarders like a mermaid? You were a mermaid, so wild and free with your long curls dancing under the water. Then you would lay out on a towel on the hot concrete and the warm California sun would cover you like a blanket. All you thought about was swimming and lunch and that happy smile that just stuck to your face because you just loved life. Remember her?
Look at the trees and how they sway back and forth in the wind with their gentle rising and falling whispers. What are they saying? Everything speaks around you. Tune in and hear the voice of life. It’s all worship. The birds, the sun, the trees, and your cold scream. He loves to see you fully alive. That is when the glory descends. There’s that smile on your face. That grateful to be alive smile that shines from deep inside. The one who sees what others refuse to see because their voice is also buried. You were made for the adventure, not buried under a mediocre half-baked life. Learn to listen and respond and know that the excuses you hear are only keeping you from bliss. The enemy is a thief and a liar. You would have cooled your feet but you would have missed the release, the wonder, the smile, the ‘I just did this.’ You would have missed… you.”